Finally found out I won’t have to have surgery, my mother’s cancer isn’t considered genetic.
She still has to be seen every four months or so now, still has pain, doesn’t sleep well.
I know she’s stressed over my sister, her youngest, and that isn’t helping.
I have my niece staying with me this weekend and she’s been raising her eyebrows at my Tumblr.
She actually asked me if Tumblr is for people who don’t watch or like telly.
I had this brilliant dream last night and managed to write it down before I forgot: I was in a hospital room (I’ve been in them a lot lately, so not surprised), playing a video game where I was navigating the surreal landscapes created by music or songs – I think I was in The Wall (Pink Floyd), where I was Pink, going from World War II imagery to my school days. I was a soldier at one point, then going on stage for a concert. This took me to something more baroque, being chased down a cobblestone street, Assassin’s Creed-style, to arrive at an opera, but it was outdoors, this enormous arena and it must have been Turandot because I can remember a bit of Nessun Dorma.
All I could think, waking up, was how I wished I could go back to play this wonderful game.
In other news, got a bit of sleep this week.
Mum has been up for almost two days now, she can’t sleep or eat much, in so much pain after her surgery. She does have a bladder infection, but they couldn’t pinpoint exactly (?), so on antibiotics, but in so much pain. I have to help her get up and down and she’s almost incoherent from the pain of it all.
If you read that hysterectomies are ‘simple,’ move on. There is nothing simple about it at all.
Happy to report my mum’s surgery went very well – and no sign of cancer. They can’t give her 100% all-clear, but she’s home and no follow-up treatment necessary.
My little sister, unfortunately, still has at least another 3 months to go.
My deepest thanks to those of you who have written to me and offered support. I’m very grateful.
Best wishes, everyone.
Since starting chemo, my sister’s lungs keep filling up with fluid, dangerous to drain off since it requires tapping in to do it (risk of infection). They drained five litres today. The worry is her heart is not pumping efficiently so now there is that on top of everything else. Everyone is feeling overwhelmed and she is so serene about it all.
Out of words today. Take care, everyone.
My sister had her head shaved today.
They never tell you that chemotherapy is slow. I thought she would have instant, constant aches and sickness, but that hasn’t been the case. She’s sick, yes, but she has good days where you might never know anything was happening to her body.
Except today.
Her hair has been falling out and she decided to just have it shaved off entirely, even bought herself a wig (to go along with her motley assortment of tammies). She came home wearing it, and flung it at me when she sat down. I had to look and admit I was surprised that her head wasn’t completely smooth. Not from the lack of hair, but all the little bumps and ridges around her skull. With the weight loss, it’s a bit easier to ‘see’ the cancer now and feel this bottomless helplessness. She’s fighting though, for every day of her life. She says shaving her head made her feel stronger, feel like she’s still in charge.
I think today I understand a little better what is meant by finding beauty and strength in sadness.
Apologies in advance if this seems a bit stiff. It’s the best I can do.
I’ve two close family members in hospital right now, both with cancer, so I won’t be writing much and there likely won’t be any updates for a bit.
Best to all.
If you’re wondering what to do with your life: find ways of making others forget they’re afraid.
Okay, here’s one of those personal things – tagged by @geekariffic – many thanks.
a) age: 47
b) biggest fear: dying
c) current time: 12:13ish
d) drink you last had: tea
e) every day starts with: Bailey and Hamish, needing to pee, usually.
f) favourite song atm: Vocalise, Rachmaninoff
g) ghosts, are they real?: No.
h) hometown?: Edinburgh
i) in love with?: words, music, women, dogs, learning, science
j) jealous of?: my dogs
k) killed someone?: Not to my knowledge.
l) last time you cried: six days ago
m) middle name: Quinn
n) number of siblings: 4
o) one wish: personal spacecraft
p) person you last called/texted: My mum
q) questions you are always being asked: Alright?
r) reasons to smile: Bailey and Hamish, family, Clexa Crack
s) song last sung: No idea.
u) underwear colour: light green
w) worst habits: responding to abusive anons
x) x-rays you’ve had: neck, head, back, both legs, right arm
y) your favourite food: toast with honey
z) zodiac sign: the centaur one
I’m terrible with tagging, so anyone who’d like to have a go – please do.
I typically do not post personal or overly personal things here (who wants to read THAT stuff?), but I must vent this:
Just because you did not give birth to a child does not mean that child is any less yours or that you are capable of loving and caring for it any less than one who has given birth. Giving birth might be a unique experience to some (well, unique to the billions who have done it, unique being such a relative term for such a common occurrence), but it does not mean that you are automatically a parent much less a good parent.
And if you are the sort who feels entitled to interfere with how others are raising their children (whether they’ve given birth or not) while you have raised none of your own nor have any such experience with the responsibility of raising a child (though you know all about it), you can kindly fuck off and rot under a broken toilet.
The Doctor Is Out 